My Spoon
by Joanna Hepler
Summary: Perry takes that hit. Alternative ending for My Cake.


_This should probably be longer and wordier, but I tend to err on the side of brevity when writing one-shots. I hope you enjoy it anyway._

_Guilty of the following: JD/Cox action, mush, lemons and possible POV-shifting._

_Not mine. Not now. Not ever.  
_

**My Spoon**

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The three of them sit haphazardly on the couch, eyes on the television but minds certainly elsewhere.

Dan examines a bottle, his glazed eyes determining its mind-soothing contents.

Perry muses on his mistake of pushing away his Newbie when he needed him most.

JD wrestles with his own personal demons - but so far the demons are winning.

Each sits in silent reflection, aware of the buzz of the speakers, yet enveloped in his own personal thought-haze. Perry glances over at JD, whose eyes are boring holes in the floorboards with mountains of crushed misery.

Now, more than ever, Perry wishes he'd bitten the hug bullet.

Time has lost its meaning before Perry stands to leave. Dan is too busy fondling a beer to notice a change in scene, but JD looks up hopefully at the man he's subconsciously counting on.

Their eyes meet - and in an instant, Perry's defences crumble.

He cocks his head ever-so-slightly towards the door, his meaning unmistakable. JD's jaw hangs for a millisecond before snapping shut like a mouse-trap, his eyes giving out just a hint of their former spark.

'Yeah.'

The two leave the apartment, not bothering to say goodbye to Dan and his beer.

Perry leads JD to his car, for once not caring if he spoiled the front seat.

'Newbie, I just wanted to say th-'

'Leave it.'

In the parking lot driveway.

'Look, I'm really sorry for-'

'Not now.'

At the lights.

'JD, just let me-'

And Perry stops on his own, because JD's no longer there. His Newbie's eyes are misted with the memories of a long-departed relative, foresworn, like all the others, in favour of his own created family.

They step inside Perry's apartment, and it's all the man can do to stop himself heading straight to the liquor cabinet. He locks the door and fixes the deadbolt before leading JD to the couch.

A foreign feeling wells up in Perry's chest. Is it sorrow? Is it empathy? Is it - dare he think it - lust? He tries to put such thoughts away as he follows the path most-travelled to join his Newbie on the couch. His lips part in readiness for another rant, but all that follows is the shortest of breaths.

Perhaps Perry deadbolted his heart as well.

He looks over at JD, who's watching the same snowy test-pattern as twenty minutes ago. His eyes are once again hollow, his mouth slightly drooped. For a moment, Perry fears the real JD has escaped him - such is the absence of life upon his surface.

'Newbie?'

After a moment, JD turns to face his mentor, his teacher - his friend. He wants so badly to hurt, to suffer, to howl in pain. For two weeks, he's burned hope like a coal-steamer, trying so desperately to feel.

Now, even his pilot light's gone out.

'What do you need, kid?'

The same snowy silence pervades the room, before JD settles on the only plausible reply.

JD leans over and kisses him.

Perry's eyes widen before pushing JD away.

'This isn't how it's supposed to - what, no hug first?'

JD shakes his head. 'I need this,' he mumbles, along with an unspoken request to never again speak of this evening.

Perry pauses for a moment. He'd always sworn never to take advantage of the kid. Even if it was the only way he'd ever feel Newbie's lips on his - no way. The kid deserved better than that.

'Newbie, I can't - it's not right.'

'I don't care,' JD whispers through ragged breaths, his lips an inch from Perry's. 'I need you to do this for me. I need an escape.'

He leans in and brushes his lips against Perry's, softly as anything.

'Won't you escape with me?'

And suddenly Perry's mind is made for him.

He pushes back, hard, with JD's luscious lips enlivening him like nothing before. Their tongues daring to explore the unknown. Hands through hair, arms around shoulders. Every touch, every bump was dear to him. To both of them.

Perry almost forgot who this was really for.

Abruptly, JD pushes downward, and Perry stops again.

'Are you sure?'

It's naught more than a whisper, but JD catches every meaning it could possibly have hinted. Perry looks up - and into JD's eyes.

Instantly, Perry knows the answer.

He feels the tears unite them as JD pushes harder, between the cushions and onto the couch. He feels himself stir beneath his Newbie's force, knowing it's not his own release that matters most. He feels the rush of skin, smooth and bare, ultimately his for the taking.

He opens his eyes, and feels his Newbie ask.

Perry knows JD could never form the words. His brow is furrowed with the efforts of absolution, the crumple adorning his face saying more than his larynx ever could. His quest for release has hit a stonewall, the kind only Perry can break down.

He nods his head against JD's, sensing only the slightest hesitation in return, before rolling over and laying his Newbie down.

Though they're both fully clothed, Perry has no use for theatrics. He continues to caress JD with his own woefully inadequate lips, all the while reaching down below to chip away at the wall. He feels a growing obelisk of his own, but pays no heed.

This is, after all, Newbie's night.

JD lets out a soft whimper, the first sound he's made. Perry stops, concerned, but restarts in a hurry when JD moans loudly, the product of days of frustration, angst, sadness and longing. Every stroke, every rub, every touch brings JD closer to deliverance. Perry rests his bruised lips to concentrate on the greater task at hand.

Suddenly, JD jerks upwards, the column starting to crack. Perry looks down at his Newbie, his face scrunched in concentration, willing every scrap of his being to free the evils inside.

Perry reaches down to caress one last time. He feels the heat of the moment, knowing the end is nigh. JD shudders and screams, the agony of days unseen manifesting itself at last.

A twitch -

A jolt -

A cry -

'Perry!'

- and JD lets it all go.

Perry guides him through, dispatching his anguish to places unknown. He leads his Newbie back down to earth, rubbing his back helpfully as the aftershocks subside.

They lie on the couch in silence, contented and utterly at peace.

'Perry?'

His voice is cracked and swollen, but to Perry it's the greatest of sonatas. He slides against the back of the couch and turns to face JD.

'Yes, Newbie?'

JD smiles. Not a photograph smile, nor a familiar smile, nor a cheesy smile.

'Thanks for the spoon.'

Perry's limbs awaken: one arm underneath JD's neck, the other carelessly slung over his torso. Of all the things to thank him for.

'Shhh.'

It comes across as a terse dismissal, but to his Newbie, it's the deepest of platitudes.

'It's gonna be okay.'

And JD knew that he was right.

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_Please review. Thanks._


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